The lost path.

Ahh, what a perfect start to the weekend! No college, work or any burden. She needed this break. Not just from being physically tormented by the daily hectic schedule, but a break mentally from the unsteady roller coaster her life had become at that moment. After getting a perfect sleep, which she figured wasn't only enough but over the top, she decided to get ready and set the time ticking for her plans that day. The plan was simple, go to C.P, hang out with an old friend she never had the opportunity to meet in the last six months and watch her favourite movie, she was so excited to watch since, forever. The hitch was she had to help her room mate to get her phone unlocked. So, she contemplated the time they had in getting the work done and the movie timings. Wearing her favourite long colourful kurta with matching sandals and her lucky bag, they headed out on a cloudy day, expecting nothing to go wrong. The series of events that followed were drastically opposite to their imagination.
Late to the metro station. 
Sudden cloud burst. 
Rampant pushing of innumerable people in the metro which was unusually extremely crowded. 
And well....LATE. 

Nandini expected she'll make it in time, and all she'd have to do, was sacrifice a maximum of 10 minutes of the movie for Amily's work. Gah! she soon enough started cursing herself for being so calculative about how she'd tried to take Delhi for granted. A place where things change in the blink of an eye, including people. Rushing out of the metro gates in a direction they both were clueless to, they tried to process the puzzling complicated surroundings to whatever little they knew about the place. This shop was somewhere in the interiors of CP. These girls had always appreciated this part of the city for its convenience to reach and the option of places it offered. However, they were unaware of the dirt and filth that consumed the area underneath its colourful lights. Exploring and gushing towards their destination, they lost their path and all the glitter and familiarity disappeared as they moved into a silence struck black hole. Alarmed yet calm, Nandini kept telling Amily she knew where they were and it wasn't that big of a deal. Yes, it wasn't until water drops started falling over their heads all over again. "I hate rains!", shouted Amily, hearing the echo of her own words. Nandini, on the contrary was a big fan of monsoons. The smell, feel, sight and everything of rain pulled out the happy child in her, rebelling with her inner conscious to break free of her maturity norms and run around, dancing her way out of the messed up decisions she'd taken in the recent past. It also brought forward her memories with Aryan, how he pushed back the wet hair falling on her face and pulled her close enough to make her heart pounce as hard as a beat of a drum, and whispered in her ear, "You're beautiful, its true." Flipping through the happy images, the final scene stood vivid in her mind. She remembered how easily he'd let her walk away, not even waiting for her to turn back, if not stop her. Pushing away these thoughts which seemed worthless, she concentrated on guiding Amily in the right direction. The numbering of the shops was certainly very absurd and after brainstorming her mind to the last degree, Nandini decided to ask one of the shopkeepers to guide her in the right way. She felt a little bit of apprehension to trust any of these strangers, but it was a situation where she had no other choice. The way, as explained by one of the individuals led them to haul at a dead end.

Confused and irritated, Nandini desperately looked around to find any other way possible, till she found this kacha path, dug up with dirty water squirming out as the drizzling started to speed up with mud all over the place. Looking at their watch, the girls nodded to each other, as if telepathically conversing of choosing to walk past that path, come what may. Amily was swift, yet not entirely perfect in overcoming the obstacles imposed by the mud and the twisted ways. However, Nandini was too clumsy to make her way through. Right in the middle of the water and mud, her right sandal broke. "Yes! exactly this was needed! Thank you Delhi for showing your hatred towards me. I'm obliged!", she screamed to herself. Amily was rather helpless, as the path was too narrow to support two people simultaneously. After almost falling in the big pit and ruining her clothes, specially her feet, Nandini somehow made her way to the other side. "Shop no. 33! It's there!", both of them shouted in a chorus with enthusiasm. Running towards the shop as the rain started to become heavier by the minute, Nandini found it next to impossible to take even a single step with the broken sandal and slippery feet. With Amily's help she somehow made her way to the shop, explaining the person the problem with Amily's phone. It was 5 minutes of quarrel, till they realized nothing could be done, and all their effort went worthless. Down ridden and unhappy, they walked out of the shop, only to realize they were already 10 minutes late. Nandini tried to explain Varun why she's late and he should keep his calm for she was two minutes away from the hall. It was after a few moments she realized, she was lost and no google map or anything could help her way out of it. Amily looked more frightened, expecting a disappointing "I have no idea where we are" expression from Nandini. Following her instincts, she walked straight and Amily followed. As they continued walking, they realized they were in a locality surrounded by only men. Men, who gave those creepy stairs, who knew when someone was lost and could be their next prey, who pounced on the idea of luring innocent girls to such a place by telling them wrong directions. It was like these two girls had pushed themselves into the hands of trouble. Frightened to their wits, the two of them held onto to each other and continued walking.

One from the odd lot started humming, "Oh, lal dupatte wali tera naam toh bata!". Ofcourse, Amily couldn't understand what these men were saying, so she innocently looked into Nandini's direction for she had surrendered to whatever orders her friend would give, to escape this situation. Back home, Nandini was always called the coward; too pampered and well not even close to being a tough girl. But, today everything depended on her expressions. She had to keep her calm, to deceive everybody and to save her's and Amily's life.Crushing the unremitting emotions that sputter in her head, she kept her calm and kept pushing her way ahead, walking strangely and tripping after every five or seven steps, thanks to the broken sandal. "Arrey! humein dedo sandal, hum theek kar dete hai", another playful voice whooped, followed by the laughter and excitement of about three or four men , which she ignored for obvious reasons. Her body was gleaming with the prospective to run, but her mind processed the fact that it'll only push the girls into further mess, and give the men a heads up of them being lost and alone. They couldn't afford to look back, but were they headed outside this black hole or further into it? Were there some quite footsteps that kept pace right behind them waiting for the opportunity to lean forward and strangle them into its sleazy arms? They kept walking, praying every millisecond to the best of their abilities to their respective gods to shield them and get them out of this place. After having walked 10 minutes, they found a way through. It was as if they had found life back in their knees, which felt giddy after having surpassed an incident which could almost have made headlines in the next days newspaper as 'Another rape incident shocks the capital, targeting two young students'.

Having reached the outskirts of A block, luckily Nandini found a cobbler to fix her sandal and tissues to clean her feet. Varun had sent her a million texts, boiling with anger and frustration of having waited outside the cinema for straight 35 minutes! After taking a deep breath and getting herself together, Nandini apologized to him and requested him to ditch the movie plan and meet the girls near the popular CCD. She could really use a cup of coffee to come in terms with what had just happened. Walking towards CCD, she kept telling Amily to calm down for it was over, and they were safe.

Was it only Amily who needed a continuous assurance that it was really over, or was it a repeated voice inside Nandini, en grafting her to believe the fact that she had safeguarded themselves. The question is, was it really over, or was it just the beginning? 

Perfect lies. Perfect time.

The only way to really know is to let it go...

"Don't give up on me that easy. I'll lose myself."
"I'm not going anywhere...but this, whatever it is, I can't handle it. Its beyond what I can understand, process or accept."
"I'm beyond messed...give me a couple of months. We'll be back to what we were, trust me...its you, forever and always."

9 days to give up. 14 days to move on. Perfect. 

Ahh, I wish that was my side of the story, but oh well...
It's funny how people think of you as some psychotic moron who can be fooled at every step with the lamest of reasons to make you let go. Guilty as charged, why? because I care.
Haah, that word. What does it mean and to what all areas it lies? After all this time conversations die, thoughts go bitter and feelings fade away. I always felt like the shiny new toy in your life. The forbidden fruit. But the question was how long will I last? This phase, was too temporary to put in words, but too strong to explain in anyway. Keeping shut was the only option I had, but even that didn't help. I had so many questions. But everyday each action of yours proved it why this time I was the one who messed up. Sadly, no one can mend that, but time. But again, there was hope. Couple of months, right? what could've possibly gone wrong? Everything.

Its about time, this phase of wait, of longing to get out of this limbo, is about to get over...but all answers flash before my eyes already. I'm not strong enough to hear it all. But have you ever given me a choice, at all?

"I care, way too much, and you know it. It's just not like that...I love you, yes, but as a best friend."
Silence.
"I hope you have moved on?"
Silence.
"I like this girl. She's amazing. Quite like you, in a lot of ways."
Amusement. Laughter. Irony. 

Tissue, yes, that's what I was, and will always be. Dang, the new toy has worn out. Throw it off, dude! what's the point of keeping it in your collection of god knows what interests. Lets go through your life check list:
Best friend -check-
Crush/liking -check-
Random time filling people -check-

Where do I fit in? :\ No where I suppose. So what is the point of holding on to something that cannot be categorized?

Lies. lies. lies.
Enough of it man! I'm not a fool, I was just too blinded by the "care". Yes, nothing else, because that's all it was.

What is it now?
Nothing, and never will be. 

Dejavu

Still stuck in the time when we called it love, but even the sun sets in paradise...

Its funny how situations can take such a toll in a matter of a month. What seemed like an unrealistic possibility, comes crashing onto you as today's harsh reality. Can you do anything about it? Umm, i guess not...but its better to just vent out these feelings by writing or something...

So he asked me he needed approval. He trusts me more than himself over the choices he will make, knowing how bad im at choosing, he doesn't care, for he loves unconditionally. Im more than glad to help him make this decision, but im afraid that it might all end up to be like it was for me...still i don't back out, for i love him, more than a stupid brother (if he was), crazy best friend (that we've always been), or even a role model or whatever I'd say would be an understatement. I wish every guy was as caring, pure and kind hearted as he is, but as i say such people seem to be the endangered species, who turn out to be either your brother or best friend.

He smiles like a retard seeing that one sweet text from her, ahh, we the stupid loving people. How adorable he looks with that childish grin, and that's when i realize how jealous im of the same. I was like that, a few months back, but darn, what happened?!
I ask him to fix me, but i guess nobody can. The one who broke me is happy in another world, and here i am cleaning up the shattered pieces of us lying on the ground.

"Its going to be a tough ride. But you deserve better."
You're very right there my friend, but can you define better in the context of your speech and my condition?

So i say- " its better to be rejected than be treated as a second option." I know i make sense there, but how do i convince myself to believe this simple statement?

He calls me innocent, and begs me to become a little selfish. Maybe i am. But is this the price i pay for being selfless, or umm, just...me?

We exchange hugs and bid goodbye for both of us are en routed to journeys in different directions. Like literally. Right after which i find myself standing near the same platform i was a month ago. The feeling of not letting go surmounts my head. The same emotions i felt then, when i watched you leave. The announcement rings over my ears and buzzes me back to reality shouting out loud that its all over. One month, and nothing's the same. Why? I wish i could answer that...

Will it ever be the same again?
Who knows, but one thing is for sure, the innocence is gone...

A little time...

We’re here, staring at the clear blue sky, wondering if this is what it is. The view is serene and pure as crystal. Suddenly a feeling runs down our souls, it’s like venom spreading slowly and steadily, marking its presence. As if the devil has shown its existence finally inside us, inflicting pain, tears and jealously. So many emotions, can one really handle it all? Why can’t we be as sorted as the sky is? Know what to do at which moment, choose the option which is the best for us and well make everything simple.  How we wish life could be that easy, predictable and planned. Excitement and adrenaline can be exercised in any other form, but for us, we just wish it was all decided in form of a book, one which we could read and understand like the back of our hands. 

You say you need time. Even when you don’t say it, I can feel the same. You owe yourself this much. Yet you pretend you’re as clear as the sky to make all decisions for us, and start a new book from the scratch with new chapters and developments. But are you actually so sorted yet? Isn’t it too early to think of starting all over again? What about the book you continued writing for so long, the one which was so dear to you that you gave up almost everything for it? Is it justified to leave all that work and determination in the jest of finding something new? If it is inspiration that you desire to complete that final piece, then my friend, I’m always there to guide you through all those roads which can give you that perfect ending. But defying the reality and moving on to write something you’re not even ready for yet is just ruining yourself to an all new level. Maybe it seems the best option, or the only one you have… not exactly, there is one option that you buried somewhere you don’t ever want to reach out to.. an option to not write for awhile.  No, you’re not selling your soul, neither are you inviting darkness to take over. You’re just making life simple and easy.  If you’re afraid you’ll lose me, then that’s where the mistake lies in interpreting everything, especially me. If I’m your inspiration then I’ll make sure I stay here always, no matter how much it takes out of me.

So take your time, close your eyes

I will be here with you

They may be right I may be foolish

But I will wait for you…

Complete your story, and I’ll hope you succeed to write series to the same, and it doesn’t change from its path ever, because this is the story for you, the one you should never give up on. As for me, I would hope to be mentioned somewhere along the lines of the majestic words you spin in it.

We all have a story, a novel which belongs to us. Maybe I haven’t found it yet, and someday when I do, it will be real. Till then I cannot pretend to have got what I wanted, no matter how beautiful this illusion is. At the end of the day, when reality kicks in, this shall not suffice.  I might be wrong, but in your wish to write all over again, I’m nothing but your expectation of how you hoped your unfinished book should have turned out to be. But sometimes we need to realize and make a choice as to we want to achieve a certain something we never could find from our past, or change our present to suit the past needs. If past is what we’re living in still, then there is no a timeline to differentiate what the past was and present is.  If that is where you really belong, then nothing in the universe can change it.

Just do me a favor in this soul searching, to give me that little piece of truth of what we really are. If I am anything, if not something to you, then think about it once again. Am I only an inspiration or a substitute? Or an excuse to escape from the reality you still don’t have the power to face? 

Realizations.

And if you were here, I could deceive you
And if you were here, you would believe
And would you suspect my emotions wanderin'? Yeah Do not wanna part to this anymore

The rainwater drips through the cracks in the ceilin' And I'll have to spend my time on repair
And just like the rain, I'll be always fallin', yeah
Only to rise and fall again...

Life and its ways. We smile at one moment, cry the next. Fight and hurt the people we care most about and eventually realize a special feeling for that one extraordinary person. To the world, she might be just another girl, around the corner. But you don't realize when she appears out of these thin clouds of disparity and takes your whole world by storm. What is this unexplained desire to be near her all the time? To catch her everytime she'd fall? Is it that complicated word which in itself is considered the most pure and divine? Or is it just conformity? She might be just a habit. A way out to uncomplicate life happenings. But how do you know?

Its that one word, yes, we all think we've experienced or are experiencing it...but actually the truth is different from what it seems to be. Love. A word considered most pure and divine. Then what is friendship? Sorry to break it to you, but its friendship which is the most uncomplicated, unharmed and true. Lets just call love trivial. All it causes is lies, hurt, unhappiness. Its that cruel weapon which consumes you in a frenzy from which it is impossible to break free. To love someone is easy and almost instant. But to find someone who loves you is sometimes the hardest task.

"I'm just another girl. Standing infront of a guy. Wanting to be loved..."

What's the faintest of possibility is to find someone you love who loves you back. Very few lucky people who love someone and are loved in return, disregard this fortune, for what reasons, i wish I'd know. They may regret their decisions one day, but till then the damage is done. The hurt find shelter to let out their emotions to another identity, a stranger i may call, to the heart. This stranger turns into the source of happiness. Smile. A new start.
That stranger becomes your best friend, or was all this time, you don't know. All you know is, that you need her. She's your only getaway. But what if in this whole process to rediscover your inner self, makes her fall for you? Yes, its a great feeling to be loved, but what about her? Is it fair, to pretend and fake a smile just to not let her happiness fade away? Its care, a lot of it. But that's it.
Love happens once. We can try convincing ourselves that we can be in and out of it, but the reality is that we're deceiving ourselves and those we care about. Its the most difficult task, but to have stability and happiness back in your life, you must draw a conclusive line between being in love with someone and the idea of loving someone. Its easier said than done. The fact remains that the mind plays games with you. Convincing you that she's the one. But deep down inside, you know its always been someone else, and it'll stay the same forever. Then why ruin things further by listening to your mind boggling thoughts and not your wise heart and feelings?

Just follow your heart, and be with that one person who matters the most. Nothing else can then ever come in your way. Don't search for love. Let it find you. 'Cause when it happens, it'll be real, and that's when you'll know your life is complete. Time, is what heals a broken heart, not new people or the false hope that its someone else who you can be with, is the one. Preach the idea that in all this confusion and soul searching, the one holding your hand and shielding you from all the wrong possibilities is the one you can make happy, and not the idea that being with her will make you happy. 'Cause the best answer to this complicated phase is to be loved by someone who loves you rather than someone you love, who doesn't care. :)

Dilemma.

A free mind is a devil's workshop.
That is rightly said. No matter how much you try not to think of all the wrong possibilites, you end up thinking more and more about them. In the end you fill up your mind with endless confusion.

What do i want of you?
Correction there. What do i want of myself?
Yes, thank you very much, that's right.

Happiness. Life. Love.
Simple answer. However, where to find all of this?
Once upon a time writing made me run away into a world of imagination of a picture perfect world. Then painting came along, coloring my world of fantasy with colors of belief that one day this is how it'll all turn out to be. If someone tried to ruin this safe place that i had built in my head, i took out my emotions through another best friend of mine. Tennis. But now, when i need to escape back into the illusion, where is all of this?
Actually, its all there. But none of it gives me that feeling anymore. Watching Roland garros, its like im forcing myself to smile, to get all excited.
Have i changed? Change is complimentary to this fast selfish running time. But change brings about new things. New friends. New ways to escape. We move on in life to something better. But that's far from even being questionable in my case.

No imagination. No inspiration.
I feel dead in my thoughts. Everything is empty. Its like i have suppressed any kind of expectations from the world, and i guess in turn there's nothing expected of me. Is expecting a bad thing? Some say it is. Then why is it all affecting me in the opposite way?

When life gives you lemons, you accept it and try moving forward, coz life has its own way of proving every time how big a bitch it is.

So many questions, yet no answers.

Words and thoughts

Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm.

So I’m told I read too much into things. I realize I think way too much. But to these thoughts, what’s the outlet? Words. But again, is that possibly the best solution to being such an over thinker? Words once spoken, can’t be taken back. They pierce through your bones like an arrow going past a heavy heart.  To not speak, is cluttering your head with all these endless conclusions, which really aren’t definite endings to a topic, but a start to another never ending ride into an ocean of decisions. Decisions which we feel are going to go wrong, still we make them.

He asks me, “Why are you like this?”

A simple question. Inquisitiveness.  He knows the answer, yet he asks. Is it mockery on me being a little crazy? No. If that answer is so simple, then why am I thinking as to why he asks me this simple question?

“It’s not me. It’s how you are.” That’s right. Blame it on him.  But it isn’t all me, right? Gosh, I cross the line of what might be the presumed end of how far a person can think. It’s not insecurity, no.  Just, being possessive. Again, that’s how I am.

Words can be like knifes, they can cut you open.

The walls I’ve built, to keep myself safe, safe from all the lies, betrayal and hurt. Maybe that’s why I think so much. Caution is the word that surmounts my head, overpowering all emotions in this heart. I know the day I let my guard down, I’ll be back to square one.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid. I just need a little time. Time to find answers to all these endless questions.

 I hope I can find in you a person who can see through my walls

I hope you’ll catch me coz I’m already falling

I’ll never let our love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home.

Can you give that much little piece of your life and let this girl sort her thoughts and self out or will you let her go just like everyone always has?

Transformation, or not?

Things change and so do circumstances. Life brings you to this turn which you are forced to take and there is no looking back. A girl with absolutely zero confidence, turns up to the world and takes it in her hands. Yes, its a tough ride, but what is easy in this life? A realisation comes that all the decisions made were wrong, that there still might be a way to go back to that easy beautiful life. But is it right? Confusion is all that pollutes this mind. The biggest question is, for how long? When will it be finally over? That final breath when I can say yes, this is what I wanted. Its not the city, or adjustment or anything. But home. Yes, its home. Why is it the only thought, the most important aim and priority? July is when this roller coaster began, but where is the end stop?


Traveling in an auto in this cold, hardly any visibility, the girl looks out and wonders, "Dreams are these? Have I achieved the crazy goal I pushed myself towards for years?" The mind is crucid, it plays unfair games. Yet, there is the heart which yearns for home, the warmth, the love and the belonging. "But I do get all that here, don't I?" Such questions go unanswered. All that is left to show to this world is a brave face. A face which fakes happiness, satisfaction and most importantly pride. Staring at the traffic passing by, a white car strikes her eye. The scene is common, a father dropping her beloved daughter to some unknown destination, sacrifising his sleep and starting his rough day much before it should've actually begun, just for the love and fear for how will his little princess go where she has to? Yes, it is a very familiar scenario, with the exception that the little princess is no more little. Her daddy let her go and face this cruel world. But has he really accepted the fact that things have changed? That time has transformed her? So many questions, with no answers. Until the girl realised that this day in her life she's traveling alone to college. In this thick fog, which she wouldn't have even dreamt of getting out in if she was home. Have circumstances made her tough? Hell yes. 

Then why do these moments come when it feels that all is for nothing?