Dilemma.

A free mind is a devil's workshop.
That is rightly said. No matter how much you try not to think of all the wrong possibilites, you end up thinking more and more about them. In the end you fill up your mind with endless confusion.

What do i want of you?
Correction there. What do i want of myself?
Yes, thank you very much, that's right.

Happiness. Life. Love.
Simple answer. However, where to find all of this?
Once upon a time writing made me run away into a world of imagination of a picture perfect world. Then painting came along, coloring my world of fantasy with colors of belief that one day this is how it'll all turn out to be. If someone tried to ruin this safe place that i had built in my head, i took out my emotions through another best friend of mine. Tennis. But now, when i need to escape back into the illusion, where is all of this?
Actually, its all there. But none of it gives me that feeling anymore. Watching Roland garros, its like im forcing myself to smile, to get all excited.
Have i changed? Change is complimentary to this fast selfish running time. But change brings about new things. New friends. New ways to escape. We move on in life to something better. But that's far from even being questionable in my case.

No imagination. No inspiration.
I feel dead in my thoughts. Everything is empty. Its like i have suppressed any kind of expectations from the world, and i guess in turn there's nothing expected of me. Is expecting a bad thing? Some say it is. Then why is it all affecting me in the opposite way?

When life gives you lemons, you accept it and try moving forward, coz life has its own way of proving every time how big a bitch it is.

So many questions, yet no answers.

Words and thoughts

Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm.

So I’m told I read too much into things. I realize I think way too much. But to these thoughts, what’s the outlet? Words. But again, is that possibly the best solution to being such an over thinker? Words once spoken, can’t be taken back. They pierce through your bones like an arrow going past a heavy heart.  To not speak, is cluttering your head with all these endless conclusions, which really aren’t definite endings to a topic, but a start to another never ending ride into an ocean of decisions. Decisions which we feel are going to go wrong, still we make them.

He asks me, “Why are you like this?”

A simple question. Inquisitiveness.  He knows the answer, yet he asks. Is it mockery on me being a little crazy? No. If that answer is so simple, then why am I thinking as to why he asks me this simple question?

“It’s not me. It’s how you are.” That’s right. Blame it on him.  But it isn’t all me, right? Gosh, I cross the line of what might be the presumed end of how far a person can think. It’s not insecurity, no.  Just, being possessive. Again, that’s how I am.

Words can be like knifes, they can cut you open.

The walls I’ve built, to keep myself safe, safe from all the lies, betrayal and hurt. Maybe that’s why I think so much. Caution is the word that surmounts my head, overpowering all emotions in this heart. I know the day I let my guard down, I’ll be back to square one.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid. I just need a little time. Time to find answers to all these endless questions.

 I hope I can find in you a person who can see through my walls

I hope you’ll catch me coz I’m already falling

I’ll never let our love get so close

You put your arms around me and I’m home.

Can you give that much little piece of your life and let this girl sort her thoughts and self out or will you let her go just like everyone always has?