A wall.

Staring at the raindrops as they create a rhythmic melancholic sound, past the immediate crowds and fast moving surroundings, paying heed to the mellow entourage and staying in sync with tiny tear drops rolling down her flustered cheeks as she thinks endlessly and drowns herself into a cage of emotions. Everything seems right on the outside, but is like a deep hollow in her chest, and she feels, forcing herself to embrace herself over her triumphs and successes in the recent past. She keeps jolting herself to respond to one question, whether this is really what she wanted? 
Fake smiles, praises, and talks suffocates and unnerves her to break free or to break in, she doesn't know. She decides to break into a limbo, where she can close the doors to anyone who tries to intrigue her to let her guard down, to make her vulnerable, breakable and lost. A state of oblivion to everything, but one, herself. Where no word would make a difference, where all care would mean nothing but a bubble she wouldn't dare engulfing herself in. Maybe she isn't mend for what she's got, but will a couple of hands pulling her down into a black hole give her what she deserves? Do these hands deserve her attention, after every inch of handwork she's succumbed herself into, just to get lost in the pool of horrendous antagonism?

She's told that's how the world revolves. That's how we're all mend to be. Alone. Everything, everything is a competition. Whoever said winning wasn't everything...Never had a scalpel. 

But the question is, what after that? Has one ever thrown a light on what follows once you make yourself reach the top, stomping anything and everything that crosses your way, just like a soldier, crushing your "enemy" in cold blood. But is this enemy really what you'll name it? Or its a masked illusion, which you want to keep as your closest possession, only to destroy you completely with each passing second? Stitching her lips to bring a harbouring close to any words which might shut the small window of hope, she elopes into a world of taciturnity. Better remain mute than sabotage any signs of happiness and hope, which she deep down realizes is nothing but a fantasy. Its not that she can't speak, that her brain has become dormant, but its a forced will to not utter words which might pierce her own thoughts and awaken sorrow which might fall upon her for the crime of being diligent and a tad bit lucky? 

Maybe she needs to understand the perks of being a wallflower, and find joy in solitude, and create an aura of happiness in her own misery. She now knows that every single time she's tried to cut lose her thoughts, and spoken her heart out, all she's got is resentment and negativity. Pessimism defines her, and she proudly accepts that. Every steps towards optimism has been a blend with a backward push to relinquish positivity. Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Appreciating small victories maybe does not exist in everybody's life dictionary. 

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. The funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need."

Sometimes she feels she's too much on everyone. A burden. But she wonders, how do you know how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love, or too much to ask of someone? When is it all just too much for us to bear?

Just like the thunder, she shudders to the thought of speaking out. That's she'll be squelched. Her expectations and perceptions will go in nothing but vain...And she'll shut herself to reality behind a wall so unbreakable and tough, that nothing in the world will let her fall, making her stall tall and strong to anything and everything that comes in her way...

Ishwar Allah tero naam, sabko sanmati de bhagwaan...

It is rightly said that the incarnation of man was brought about by a miraculous force, which the human mind entangled in tradition and norms believes to be a supernatural identity named “God”. After much of research and reasoning, intermingled with many coincidences and circumstances, the belief has grown stronger in an unquestionable power much above all of us, having sewed the increscent beads of the universe and life in one beautiful bond. Has anyone seen this triumphant power? The question remains unanswered.  “God has no religion”, said the father of the nation in jest of bringing an end to the social taboo of communalism and riots sprouting out of religious differences. However, the people, blinded by ulterior motives of a sect of dominating personalities are driven to develop non tolerance or even hatred for one another’s religion. Dirty politics can explicitly harm a society and destroy it in the name of religion. The question which arises here is whether these religions themselves support such an idea of divide? Quoting from Quran, it is said, “I am only a mortal like you, it is revealed to me that your god is only one god, therefore follow the right way to him and ask his forgiveness…” Similarly, Guru Nanak’s preaching states, “God is one, but he has innumerable forms.” With such direct wordings of God in his different names, having been said and piled in the memoirs of history, where do the interpretations go so drastically awry, stirring the masses towards the idea of violence?

One god who’s religion would remain a mystery for generations and beyond is Sai baba. Having read through all his enchanting stories and life comings, it is impossible to state which religion he actually followed or nudged his devotees to seek. It’s not been eminently long since he took his last breath, dating back to 1918, which isn’t even hundred years, it is an astonishing sight of no communalist divide in Shirdi, if one watches closely enough. If he preached the idea of Islam, then why does “Aarti” take place in his name, every day, which is a Hindu ritual? Conversely, if the opposite is believed, then why is there a tomb in the “Samadhi Mandir”, where he was given burial, which is unequivocally an Islamic ceremonial, rather than following the Hindu tradition of burning the dead? Also, right in front of the popular place named Chavdi, stands the cottage of his biggest devotee who himself was a Muslim. In present context also, it was discovered that a Muslim shopkeeper was selling articles predominantly required in Hindu god worshipping, showing a perfect example of amalgamation of survival in harmony of individuals ofvarious religions. If such a niche supporting peace and love can exist, fostering the idea of one god and doing one’s dharma, to achieve acceptance from “him”, then why is it so difficult to inculcate the same in the minds of the entire world community? After all, humanity should take seat much above any other conviction.

An article written for a competition. Chip in your views on the same. :) 

Goa Diaries I

Picture perfect. Orange blue sky, sun gradually making its adieu, throwing the last pieces of its rays on the crystal clear water. Surrounded by nature all around, green and blue, quite and ecstatic. In the lap of nature, don't wake me up from this dream so beautiful...but wait, this isn't a dream, this really is it, I'm here. My eyes roll past the scene trying to capture every intrinsic detail, painting it all over the dull plain pieces of unimaginative canvas in my head, literally bringing my sense to life. Tip toeing my way in the hap hazard terrain, I stretch my steps to the closest I can get to feel more alive. Can it get any better than this? But wait, the clumsy me gives me shocks now and then, jolting me to believe the dream I'm living is all real, until you catch me, not letting this dream falter in the slightest of possibilities. Sitting on the most uncomfortable rocks, breathing in the surroundings full of all the intricacies I've been the most afraid of, till date, nothing scares me anymore. For we're here. All of us. Together.

Gliding our way back the strenuous terrain, I learn so much more. "Walk with your feet diagonal and not straight. Watch out!", you command your way through, as I try to process the instructions as swiftly as possible. But you make sure to guard me like a shield if I falter, making me feel protected, ready to catch me as I fall, which anyway I am. :)  Joking about ghosts that roam around the fort, I walk faster, not realizing the distraction created to make us reach much earlier than before. Clever much? For sure! 

Back on the bike, like everyday, the cool breeze kicking in, accompanying the ride which is no less than that of a roller coaster. Thin twisted roads, no traffic; speed, adrenaline, songs, rain drops, breezing past the tiny huts and signs of settlement. Just one thought rolling past in my head, is this the real paradise? Following the most complicated path, through roads so narrow that would allow nothing wider than a bike to pass, bumpy and muddy full of puddles of water. Finally we made it to the sea, and Curlies. The concept was as astonishing as it could get. You don't have money to afford too much food? Or want to spend it all over alcohol? Well, then walk out to the option of omelette in all varieties, cheap and sumptuous. Oh, and the perfectly quite and beautiful walk about the sea, in the moonlight, surely was a Walk to Remember. Lying in your lap, on the bed of sea as the water came gushing, mellowing its force with every inch of closeness it made, eventually making its way back to start the cycle all over again, was an exquisite sight all together. 

Sitting on low lying couches, sharing moments of laughter and games, and getting bemused in the trance, as with the ticking seconds the sound seemed to pick up, creating a melancholic rhythm in our head, the mind was brimming with the idea to dance our hearts out, but the body wanted to just lie low and absorb everything. The lights seemed so bright, so astonishing, conversations around seemed so real, so interesting. And me? I felt like a frozen wax, ready to lash out the light within me as I consumed the feel of music, people and sea. 

Deciding to groove to the tunes, we made our way inside the club. And then it was like us slow dancing on swift beats. The world seemed to have vanished. Just you, me and that gigantic speaker. Swaying in your arms, I smiled like an idiot, closing my eyes and resting my head on your chest, finding every moment spent here just so hard to process. Time raced past, but for me it was like the clock had stopped ticking. I wanted to stay in this moment, with you, forever...

And in a flash went away a perfect day in Goa, and added to everlasting memories in all our heads.

Unexpected happiness.

Its rightly said that one should not expect too much out of people, time and particularly life. Contemplating your future is actually a shot in the dark, a lost game before the beginning and something utterly out of reach. So does the saying about good things coming your way when you least expect it, hold true. Maybe the fact lies that we drop our expectations to such a low that anything new or unusual makes a difference. Or maybe its the people that really make a difference. But how does one know who's the unique one, who'll flip your life novel into a new beautiful chapter all together?
People have their own theories. Some might even pose a strong belief in love at first sight. I find the idea completely absurd, defeating the concept of love, taken over by lust in its most vivid form of attraction and short lived feelings. But what if you find a person who has the same perceptions as you do? Will that be a sign? Wouldn't that completely violate the idea of opposites attracting and making the perfect combination?
Rightly he says, Opposites attracting happens only in movies. In reality, is it really possible to live your life, share your ideas and be yourself with someone who's got completely twisted views? Someone with whom your opinions will create a nexus of conflicts and questioning over compatibility. 
Maybe it seems too "boring" an idea, or extremely stable to comprehend? But is that really worth giving up for instant clashes and non understanding of emotional outbursts, because the other person is too immature to handle you, or well, too different.

When I saw him, it was a usual sight. An admirable personality, appealing looks with the most enticing smile. A bubbly face, running around with the gleaming excitement to complete his work, had this certain aura about himself. He was certainly not "my type" of a guy, but there was something which allured me. Maybe the crushed expectations, the disappointments of the past made me believe that I'd never see him again. Hearing the enthusiasm in my friends voice, calling him one of THE people to glue our eyes at, made me want him to come and talk to me, all the more. Just once.
Didn't happen. 

1 day.
2 day.
.
.
.

27 february, Bingo! 

With the twist of fate, you talked to me, I don't know how and when, but everything is different now. Sometimes I wish you would've appeared from these thin clouds of disparity much sooner. But who knows, maybe then things might have been different? All I know is, I'm ready now. Ready to consume the happiness, the laughter, the little things which make everything so much better. Maybe you're completely opposite of the "prototype" I believed I was mend to be with, but certainly that's because you're too special. :) The fact that the similarities are too strikingly alike, how you understand every pinch of difference in my mood, and keep your cool when I'm oh-so-freaking complicated; makes me cherish us in every bit of detail.
Straight silky black hair, strong arms, beautiful black eyes, broad chest to take the burden of my never ending "nautaunkiyaan", and the feeling that says I'm so not letting him go anywhere, ever. <3

I'll bring down these walls I built to keep myself safe from all the lies, pain and disparity, in the hope that this time I wouldn't have to regret. This time, things will change. This feeling of optimism is here to stay, and I wouldn't give it up for the most precious of possibilities. I wouldn't time bind this, for certain situations and people make everything too real and sure, erasing the idea of stepping back and waiting. Yes, now I know, I was waiting for YOU.

Cause all I know is we said helloAnd your eyes look like coming homeAll I know is a simple name, everything has changedAll I know is you held the doorYou'll be mine and I'll be yoursAll I know since yesterday is everything has changed
:)

Perplexed thoughts...answered.

Sitting in the classroom, watching the rain drops fall, as they create a rhythm too serene to capture in the moment, hypnotising me into an endless sea of thoughts. Thoughts calling out for changes, realizations and most of all reparation. It is one of those moments when you ask yourself, is this really what I wanted? Or am I on a delusional path leading to nowhere? The bitter memories of the past haunt me, drowning me in an ocean of unrest. The pounding in the head shouts out, where did I go wrong? Frustrated and irritated, I suppress these emotions for I know they wouldn't do me any good.

I needed a clean slate. 

Yes, that's exactly what my mind demanded. Freedom from this noise, complexities and most importantly the city. I needed to get out and find my freedom and peace. But who was I running from? The voice inside me whispered, the people. But my heart knew everything about this place felt wrong. There were so many answers I needed, and only the place which took away my peace was the right destination. Probably 2012 was a year of learning. Happiness, sorrows, anger and hatred, all muddled into one. What I was searching for was indifference. Many a times people take you for granted, hurting you at such unexpected times and crushing your expectations to the extent that you are forced to put them at the highest pedestal of your life perplexities. You hate them. Then secretly you miss them. But is it them you're missing or the time you spent with them? All you know is you want to push them away from your head, but they continue to bounce back, either through rumours, mutual friends, random texts, or worst of all dreams.

Travelling alone to an unknown city for the very first time, I decided to twist my life into something unusually different. I heard this city changed people, some good and some bad. I longed for this to happen to me as well. City of dreams? Not really, but definitely a city of change. As I stepped into a hurdle of unknown faces, all I could see were eyes gleaming with indifference. Indifference about my clothes, my walk and most of all my gender. Strangely it didn't matter if I was a girl, for them, I was just human. Pinching myself to accept reality I moved forward, finding it hard to believe this side of India also existed. It was as if with a click of fingers all my doubts and irritation was washed away. I felt new. 

As the time ticked away, every second here felt like the most precious one gone. The thought of going back scared me. 2 days and I was already in love with this city. What could be the reason? The pleasant warm weather or the indifferent yet concerned people or the deep blue sea? I think a doze of all of this was too hard to digest, and too new to accept. I loved everything about this city, pushing me back into a trance of thoughts as to why I chose Delhi over a paradise like this. Some answers are too difficult to process or even find out. This shall remain as one of those questions in my life's atrocities!

Walking on the wet sand, feeling the warm water of the sea, I wanted this path to never end. Watching the waves charge their way towards me, and slowly mellowing down as gesture of respect is a scene I wouldn't give up for anything. It had been a year since everything in my life got so complicated. At that moment everything seemed as crystal clear and simple as one wishes life to be. It was as if the sea was the answer to every mind boggling thought. That moment I realized I wanted to get rid of all the hatred, anger or sorrow I felt for anyone and everyone. Maybe I underestimated myself for not being strong enough of granting forgiveness. I told myself he didn't deserve any bit of it. But then keeping all this darkness inside me, I was hurting myself. Throughout these months I had caged my own self into bitter thoughts and hopes of how it all could have been. What was I punishing myself for? Maybe I was finally ready to face the situation I ran from all along.

And so I did. 

He was there, exchanging a warm hello. Strangely I felt nothing. Starting a general conversation, we walked backwards the path I had embarked my journey upon. Looking at him didn't feel weird, talking to him felt too stretched and my mind was screaming the thought of going away. This time it wasn't a forced goodbye which crushed my soul, but one that I really wanted. I wasn't annoyed, sad or happy. I was bored. I knew I would never see him again, yet I didn't want to look back to see his face one last time. Life is a strange journey. You never know what you really want and what you've been wanting all along. So much of time wasted in convincing myself for what? It wasn't just indifference that I felt, it was a bland feeling, which surprisingly made me feel complete. Every step I took away from that place felt as if I fluttered my wings to fly with no regrets or guilt, for what's past is past. 

I feel glad having taken this trip, starting 2013 on a roller coaster ride, not of emotions, thankfully, but of memories of a city I would love to visit again and again. 
A land I had tears for as the plane got ready to take off. 
A place which felt like home, away from home...
Called MUMBAI. :)

The lost path.

Ahh, what a perfect start to the weekend! No college, work or any burden. She needed this break. Not just from being physically tormented by the daily hectic schedule, but a break mentally from the unsteady roller coaster her life had become at that moment. After getting a perfect sleep, which she figured wasn't only enough but over the top, she decided to get ready and set the time ticking for her plans that day. The plan was simple, go to C.P, hang out with an old friend she never had the opportunity to meet in the last six months and watch her favourite movie, she was so excited to watch since, forever. The hitch was she had to help her room mate to get her phone unlocked. So, she contemplated the time they had in getting the work done and the movie timings. Wearing her favourite long colourful kurta with matching sandals and her lucky bag, they headed out on a cloudy day, expecting nothing to go wrong. The series of events that followed were drastically opposite to their imagination.
Late to the metro station. 
Sudden cloud burst. 
Rampant pushing of innumerable people in the metro which was unusually extremely crowded. 
And well....LATE. 

Nandini expected she'll make it in time, and all she'd have to do, was sacrifice a maximum of 10 minutes of the movie for Amily's work. Gah! she soon enough started cursing herself for being so calculative about how she'd tried to take Delhi for granted. A place where things change in the blink of an eye, including people. Rushing out of the metro gates in a direction they both were clueless to, they tried to process the puzzling complicated surroundings to whatever little they knew about the place. This shop was somewhere in the interiors of CP. These girls had always appreciated this part of the city for its convenience to reach and the option of places it offered. However, they were unaware of the dirt and filth that consumed the area underneath its colourful lights. Exploring and gushing towards their destination, they lost their path and all the glitter and familiarity disappeared as they moved into a silence struck black hole. Alarmed yet calm, Nandini kept telling Amily she knew where they were and it wasn't that big of a deal. Yes, it wasn't until water drops started falling over their heads all over again. "I hate rains!", shouted Amily, hearing the echo of her own words. Nandini, on the contrary was a big fan of monsoons. The smell, feel, sight and everything of rain pulled out the happy child in her, rebelling with her inner conscious to break free of her maturity norms and run around, dancing her way out of the messed up decisions she'd taken in the recent past. It also brought forward her memories with Aryan, how he pushed back the wet hair falling on her face and pulled her close enough to make her heart pounce as hard as a beat of a drum, and whispered in her ear, "You're beautiful, its true." Flipping through the happy images, the final scene stood vivid in her mind. She remembered how easily he'd let her walk away, not even waiting for her to turn back, if not stop her. Pushing away these thoughts which seemed worthless, she concentrated on guiding Amily in the right direction. The numbering of the shops was certainly very absurd and after brainstorming her mind to the last degree, Nandini decided to ask one of the shopkeepers to guide her in the right way. She felt a little bit of apprehension to trust any of these strangers, but it was a situation where she had no other choice. The way, as explained by one of the individuals led them to haul at a dead end.

Confused and irritated, Nandini desperately looked around to find any other way possible, till she found this kacha path, dug up with dirty water squirming out as the drizzling started to speed up with mud all over the place. Looking at their watch, the girls nodded to each other, as if telepathically conversing of choosing to walk past that path, come what may. Amily was swift, yet not entirely perfect in overcoming the obstacles imposed by the mud and the twisted ways. However, Nandini was too clumsy to make her way through. Right in the middle of the water and mud, her right sandal broke. "Yes! exactly this was needed! Thank you Delhi for showing your hatred towards me. I'm obliged!", she screamed to herself. Amily was rather helpless, as the path was too narrow to support two people simultaneously. After almost falling in the big pit and ruining her clothes, specially her feet, Nandini somehow made her way to the other side. "Shop no. 33! It's there!", both of them shouted in a chorus with enthusiasm. Running towards the shop as the rain started to become heavier by the minute, Nandini found it next to impossible to take even a single step with the broken sandal and slippery feet. With Amily's help she somehow made her way to the shop, explaining the person the problem with Amily's phone. It was 5 minutes of quarrel, till they realized nothing could be done, and all their effort went worthless. Down ridden and unhappy, they walked out of the shop, only to realize they were already 10 minutes late. Nandini tried to explain Varun why she's late and he should keep his calm for she was two minutes away from the hall. It was after a few moments she realized, she was lost and no google map or anything could help her way out of it. Amily looked more frightened, expecting a disappointing "I have no idea where we are" expression from Nandini. Following her instincts, she walked straight and Amily followed. As they continued walking, they realized they were in a locality surrounded by only men. Men, who gave those creepy stairs, who knew when someone was lost and could be their next prey, who pounced on the idea of luring innocent girls to such a place by telling them wrong directions. It was like these two girls had pushed themselves into the hands of trouble. Frightened to their wits, the two of them held onto to each other and continued walking.

One from the odd lot started humming, "Oh, lal dupatte wali tera naam toh bata!". Ofcourse, Amily couldn't understand what these men were saying, so she innocently looked into Nandini's direction for she had surrendered to whatever orders her friend would give, to escape this situation. Back home, Nandini was always called the coward; too pampered and well not even close to being a tough girl. But, today everything depended on her expressions. She had to keep her calm, to deceive everybody and to save her's and Amily's life.Crushing the unremitting emotions that sputter in her head, she kept her calm and kept pushing her way ahead, walking strangely and tripping after every five or seven steps, thanks to the broken sandal. "Arrey! humein dedo sandal, hum theek kar dete hai", another playful voice whooped, followed by the laughter and excitement of about three or four men , which she ignored for obvious reasons. Her body was gleaming with the prospective to run, but her mind processed the fact that it'll only push the girls into further mess, and give the men a heads up of them being lost and alone. They couldn't afford to look back, but were they headed outside this black hole or further into it? Were there some quite footsteps that kept pace right behind them waiting for the opportunity to lean forward and strangle them into its sleazy arms? They kept walking, praying every millisecond to the best of their abilities to their respective gods to shield them and get them out of this place. After having walked 10 minutes, they found a way through. It was as if they had found life back in their knees, which felt giddy after having surpassed an incident which could almost have made headlines in the next days newspaper as 'Another rape incident shocks the capital, targeting two young students'.

Having reached the outskirts of A block, luckily Nandini found a cobbler to fix her sandal and tissues to clean her feet. Varun had sent her a million texts, boiling with anger and frustration of having waited outside the cinema for straight 35 minutes! After taking a deep breath and getting herself together, Nandini apologized to him and requested him to ditch the movie plan and meet the girls near the popular CCD. She could really use a cup of coffee to come in terms with what had just happened. Walking towards CCD, she kept telling Amily to calm down for it was over, and they were safe.

Was it only Amily who needed a continuous assurance that it was really over, or was it a repeated voice inside Nandini, en grafting her to believe the fact that she had safeguarded themselves. The question is, was it really over, or was it just the beginning? 

Perfect lies. Perfect time.

The only way to really know is to let it go...

"Don't give up on me that easy. I'll lose myself."
"I'm not going anywhere...but this, whatever it is, I can't handle it. Its beyond what I can understand, process or accept."
"I'm beyond messed...give me a couple of months. We'll be back to what we were, trust me...its you, forever and always."

9 days to give up. 14 days to move on. Perfect. 

Ahh, I wish that was my side of the story, but oh well...
It's funny how people think of you as some psychotic moron who can be fooled at every step with the lamest of reasons to make you let go. Guilty as charged, why? because I care.
Haah, that word. What does it mean and to what all areas it lies? After all this time conversations die, thoughts go bitter and feelings fade away. I always felt like the shiny new toy in your life. The forbidden fruit. But the question was how long will I last? This phase, was too temporary to put in words, but too strong to explain in anyway. Keeping shut was the only option I had, but even that didn't help. I had so many questions. But everyday each action of yours proved it why this time I was the one who messed up. Sadly, no one can mend that, but time. But again, there was hope. Couple of months, right? what could've possibly gone wrong? Everything.

Its about time, this phase of wait, of longing to get out of this limbo, is about to get over...but all answers flash before my eyes already. I'm not strong enough to hear it all. But have you ever given me a choice, at all?

"I care, way too much, and you know it. It's just not like that...I love you, yes, but as a best friend."
Silence.
"I hope you have moved on?"
Silence.
"I like this girl. She's amazing. Quite like you, in a lot of ways."
Amusement. Laughter. Irony. 

Tissue, yes, that's what I was, and will always be. Dang, the new toy has worn out. Throw it off, dude! what's the point of keeping it in your collection of god knows what interests. Lets go through your life check list:
Best friend -check-
Crush/liking -check-
Random time filling people -check-

Where do I fit in? :\ No where I suppose. So what is the point of holding on to something that cannot be categorized?

Lies. lies. lies.
Enough of it man! I'm not a fool, I was just too blinded by the "care". Yes, nothing else, because that's all it was.

What is it now?
Nothing, and never will be.