Sitting in the classroom, watching the rain drops fall, as they create a rhythm too serene to capture in the moment, hypnotising me into an endless sea of thoughts. Thoughts calling out for changes, realizations and most of all reparation. It is one of those moments when you ask yourself, is this really what I wanted? Or am I on a delusional path leading to nowhere? The bitter memories of the past haunt me, drowning me in an ocean of unrest. The pounding in the head shouts out, where did I go wrong? Frustrated and irritated, I suppress these emotions for I know they wouldn't do me any good.
I needed a clean slate.
Yes, that's exactly what my mind demanded. Freedom from this noise, complexities and most importantly the city. I needed to get out and find my freedom and peace. But who was I running from? The voice inside me whispered, the people. But my heart knew everything about this place felt wrong. There were so many answers I needed, and only the place which took away my peace was the right destination. Probably 2012 was a year of learning. Happiness, sorrows, anger and hatred, all muddled into one. What I was searching for was indifference. Many a times people take you for granted, hurting you at such unexpected times and crushing your expectations to the extent that you are forced to put them at the highest pedestal of your life perplexities. You hate them. Then secretly you miss them. But is it them you're missing or the time you spent with them? All you know is you want to push them away from your head, but they continue to bounce back, either through rumours, mutual friends, random texts, or worst of all dreams.
Travelling alone to an unknown city for the very first time, I decided to twist my life into something unusually different. I heard this city changed people, some good and some bad. I longed for this to happen to me as well. City of dreams? Not really, but definitely a city of change. As I stepped into a hurdle of unknown faces, all I could see were eyes gleaming with indifference. Indifference about my clothes, my walk and most of all my gender. Strangely it didn't matter if I was a girl, for them, I was just human. Pinching myself to accept reality I moved forward, finding it hard to believe this side of India also existed. It was as if with a click of fingers all my doubts and irritation was washed away. I felt new.
As the time ticked away, every second here felt like the most precious one gone. The thought of going back scared me. 2 days and I was already in love with this city. What could be the reason? The pleasant warm weather or the indifferent yet concerned people or the deep blue sea? I think a doze of all of this was too hard to digest, and too new to accept. I loved everything about this city, pushing me back into a trance of thoughts as to why I chose Delhi over a paradise like this. Some answers are too difficult to process or even find out. This shall remain as one of those questions in my life's atrocities!
Walking on the wet sand, feeling the warm water of the sea, I wanted this path to never end. Watching the waves charge their way towards me, and slowly mellowing down as gesture of respect is a scene I wouldn't give up for anything. It had been a year since everything in my life got so complicated. At that moment everything seemed as crystal clear and simple as one wishes life to be. It was as if the sea was the answer to every mind boggling thought. That moment I realized I wanted to get rid of all the hatred, anger or sorrow I felt for anyone and everyone. Maybe I underestimated myself for not being strong enough of granting forgiveness. I told myself he didn't deserve any bit of it. But then keeping all this darkness inside me, I was hurting myself. Throughout these months I had caged my own self into bitter thoughts and hopes of how it all could have been. What was I punishing myself for? Maybe I was finally ready to face the situation I ran from all along.
And so I did.
He was there, exchanging a warm hello. Strangely I felt nothing. Starting a general conversation, we walked backwards the path I had embarked my journey upon. Looking at him didn't feel weird, talking to him felt too stretched and my mind was screaming the thought of going away. This time it wasn't a forced goodbye which crushed my soul, but one that I really wanted. I wasn't annoyed, sad or happy. I was bored. I knew I would never see him again, yet I didn't want to look back to see his face one last time. Life is a strange journey. You never know what you really want and what you've been wanting all along. So much of time wasted in convincing myself for what? It wasn't just indifference that I felt, it was a bland feeling, which surprisingly made me feel complete. Every step I took away from that place felt as if I fluttered my wings to fly with no regrets or guilt, for what's past is past.
I feel glad having taken this trip, starting 2013 on a roller coaster ride, not of emotions, thankfully, but of memories of a city I would love to visit again and again.
A land I had tears for as the plane got ready to take off.
A place which felt like home, away from home...
Called MUMBAI. :)
I needed a clean slate.
Yes, that's exactly what my mind demanded. Freedom from this noise, complexities and most importantly the city. I needed to get out and find my freedom and peace. But who was I running from? The voice inside me whispered, the people. But my heart knew everything about this place felt wrong. There were so many answers I needed, and only the place which took away my peace was the right destination. Probably 2012 was a year of learning. Happiness, sorrows, anger and hatred, all muddled into one. What I was searching for was indifference. Many a times people take you for granted, hurting you at such unexpected times and crushing your expectations to the extent that you are forced to put them at the highest pedestal of your life perplexities. You hate them. Then secretly you miss them. But is it them you're missing or the time you spent with them? All you know is you want to push them away from your head, but they continue to bounce back, either through rumours, mutual friends, random texts, or worst of all dreams.
Travelling alone to an unknown city for the very first time, I decided to twist my life into something unusually different. I heard this city changed people, some good and some bad. I longed for this to happen to me as well. City of dreams? Not really, but definitely a city of change. As I stepped into a hurdle of unknown faces, all I could see were eyes gleaming with indifference. Indifference about my clothes, my walk and most of all my gender. Strangely it didn't matter if I was a girl, for them, I was just human. Pinching myself to accept reality I moved forward, finding it hard to believe this side of India also existed. It was as if with a click of fingers all my doubts and irritation was washed away. I felt new.
As the time ticked away, every second here felt like the most precious one gone. The thought of going back scared me. 2 days and I was already in love with this city. What could be the reason? The pleasant warm weather or the indifferent yet concerned people or the deep blue sea? I think a doze of all of this was too hard to digest, and too new to accept. I loved everything about this city, pushing me back into a trance of thoughts as to why I chose Delhi over a paradise like this. Some answers are too difficult to process or even find out. This shall remain as one of those questions in my life's atrocities!
Walking on the wet sand, feeling the warm water of the sea, I wanted this path to never end. Watching the waves charge their way towards me, and slowly mellowing down as gesture of respect is a scene I wouldn't give up for anything. It had been a year since everything in my life got so complicated. At that moment everything seemed as crystal clear and simple as one wishes life to be. It was as if the sea was the answer to every mind boggling thought. That moment I realized I wanted to get rid of all the hatred, anger or sorrow I felt for anyone and everyone. Maybe I underestimated myself for not being strong enough of granting forgiveness. I told myself he didn't deserve any bit of it. But then keeping all this darkness inside me, I was hurting myself. Throughout these months I had caged my own self into bitter thoughts and hopes of how it all could have been. What was I punishing myself for? Maybe I was finally ready to face the situation I ran from all along.
And so I did.
He was there, exchanging a warm hello. Strangely I felt nothing. Starting a general conversation, we walked backwards the path I had embarked my journey upon. Looking at him didn't feel weird, talking to him felt too stretched and my mind was screaming the thought of going away. This time it wasn't a forced goodbye which crushed my soul, but one that I really wanted. I wasn't annoyed, sad or happy. I was bored. I knew I would never see him again, yet I didn't want to look back to see his face one last time. Life is a strange journey. You never know what you really want and what you've been wanting all along. So much of time wasted in convincing myself for what? It wasn't just indifference that I felt, it was a bland feeling, which surprisingly made me feel complete. Every step I took away from that place felt as if I fluttered my wings to fly with no regrets or guilt, for what's past is past.
I feel glad having taken this trip, starting 2013 on a roller coaster ride, not of emotions, thankfully, but of memories of a city I would love to visit again and again.
A land I had tears for as the plane got ready to take off.
A place which felt like home, away from home...
Called MUMBAI. :)
